With Friends Like These...

When I was young and had not evolved to PC games, I'd waste my days playing Goldeneye at my friends house.

There was no Counter Strike or Team Fortress 2 to make believe I was social since my computer at the time had the computing power of a soggy cheerio. It was three other friends and myself crouched next to each other swearing, punching and throwing each other while squinting at the tiny boxes that comprised our deathmatch.

Now though I'm older and have a job to afford the big boy toys like expensive hardware and hookers. I play online mutliplayer games like all the rest and enjoy them greatly, but alas something is missing; the people element. Yes you can use Vent, Teamspeak, in game VOIP or whatever to talk with your fellow players; but nothing is quite like sitting next your enemy and allies with a couple of Dr. Peppers.

So I've been yearning to regain that feeling without the hoaky online feeling. Most games today aren't well suited for the 4 person LAN party and are better off being played online with 20 or more people. What I'm looking for is an in depth and agressive cooperative play. There should be a PC game that lets me reach out and punch my dumbass teammate or bitchy enemy.

Not multiplayer deathmatch teams or that; the story campaign of say Half Life with another person fighting along side you. Solid Co-op games are rare these games for the PC market. There of course was Rainbow Six Vegas which was astounding, and Gears of War (if you can find anyone who can get the dammned thing working). I like yelling at my friends just a few feet away as we attempt to complete a mission or a campaign together. Online multiplayer is all abou the skirmish, deathmatch, battle royal which is fine; but that's over too quickly. I like to long engrossing multiplayer cooperative play of yesteryear.

Imagine if games like Bioshock, Call of Duty 4, Supreme Commander and Crysis allowed for Co-op play during the single player campaign. Online Co-op play would be great, but I would greatly appreciate having a couple of high quality games that I could bring to a LAN party and NOT have to play a lame deathmatch but a long winding mutliplayer experience that you can't finish in one sitting. I would like to see the length and breadth of a single player game expanded for two-four of my closest geek friends.

The ultimate experience would be a game soley devoted to the Co-op experience which has been for sometime a lost art. We may be nerds, but we all have at least a few friends to share in the nerdom and do occasionally like the human interaction of meeting face to face. Cooperative play to me changes the way we play the game and increases the replayability. For once (and don't kill me) I envy those console gamers who play Halo Co-op; the poor lucky saps......sigh.

Review- Call of Duty 4

I will start of this review by saying I have not played the multiplayer for this game and if you whine about it then buy the damn game yourself; in short I heard good things about the online stuff.

But this is MY review and not some older wiser geek’s so I will run the show my way. For those of us social shutdowns who don’t enjoy online multiplayer games and don’t mind some time alone (insert masturbation joke) with a good single player campaign play COD4 only if you have about 5 hours available to play through the games immensely long single player campaign (/end sarcasm).

COD4 pits you as several different forgettable characters for the British and US Military. I shouldn’t say characters, but more like superheroes. You the player are the target of every bullet between you and the far side of the world it seems; and then manage to hit you…A LOT. But after suffering from some bullet to skull fuck trauma you are new man cause of some magical health regenerating powers all soldiers have and are good to go kill the evil extremists who seem to be out of every patriotic movie made in the 90’s.

While I played the game on normal, harder has this health regenerating feature as well but only much shorter ergo increasing the difficulty which is good; but I will gripe because its fucking there and not making me believe I’m really at war. For pete’s sake everything else in the game was spot on realistic from the guns, to the stereotypical Middle Eastern extremists to the fracking (is pg-13 for fucking) explosions had me shaking in my Captain Underpants (see wikipedia) jammies. But in the spirit of all things whiny and well the suck, EA included this to make the game more accessible and harder to put down. It’s like this if your father slapped you around as a child you wouldn’t show up every day on your father’s doorstep wanting to “give the old man another shot” because you'd probably take a hint and leave. If the game were more realistic it would be quite a reality shock for all 99% of us nerds who’s only combat action is slamming the desk when we lose a game (see the cycle?). I would have felt more at home with a damn health pack or something, not some sort of infinite health well that I continually shove my cock into fucking the gameplay over. I would’ve had a feature for the button M called “call medic” and while you’re incapacitated a medic rushes over to you while you defending your pity excuse for a solider to save you’re bloody life and restores you to a functioning condition; not bloody perfect you twit.

Aside from that one aspect that pisses me off to no end (see Cloverfield), COD4 manages to do what no other FPS has ever done before; make me feel like I’m in a movie which is surprisingly still not as good as a blowjay. The cinematics tie in perfectly with the gameplay and keep the action tight. My heart was kept humming at a solid 154 beats per second when something would blow up or crash, it was better than that one time E for Christ’s sake.

But like most movies the story was kind of dull and it was over far too soon. The single player campaign is well constructed and played out but it’s shorter than my grandma who is shrinking into oblivion. I was very bummed when I reached a point in my head and felt immensely sad this amazing time had to end, it went something like this,

“Oh wow we just infiltrated an enemy missile silo where the baddie is and this will probably be over in 20 minutes flat. Oh fiddlefucks”

And I was right, the game ended and I was left sitting alone in my underwear in front of my computer like a girl getting stood up on the morning after prom; naked (almost), alone and pretty much fucked cause I don’t play multiplayer games that have a single player game. If you make a game have multiplayer, make it a fucking multiplayer game and if you make it a single player game keep it faithful. Release two fucking games with the same name, I don’t care. As long the developer puts forth an equal effort into both gamers will be pleased enough to buy both doubling you’re profits. There I win and go play COD4.

Review - Crysis

The guys at Crytek have created a game which is more a tease than my last girlfriend. In one swoop they've made a game that drew me in with fabulous shiny graphics and netted me with promises of a wicked (yea I said wicked so what?) fighting system, and once the trap was sprung I was tranquilized with moderate gameplay and a ho-hum story. After a 48 month development cycle which is computer terms is eons and in human terms is just way too fucking long; Crysis was released upon the waves of eager nerds. What everyone first saw were screen shots of something bordering god like. I could honestly look at the game all day with it's lush visuals and admit I rubbed one or two out to it if it were socially acceptable. The level of detail would astound Stevie Wonder if he had the ridiculous amount of hardware required to run the game at a moderate framerate.
However while creating the equivalent of graphical ecstasy, Crytek forgot to make the gameplay match the epic scenes you'll witness in the game. The gameplay depicted in the commercials depicted you punching a jeep and stopping it dead it it's track and just kicking a large amount of ass. The game however falls short and leaves you with suit powers that look neat.
The standard FPS gameplay is accompanied by good A.I (see screaming Koreans) and a ho-hum story and forgettable NPCs. It's your standard aliens on earth/evil guy harnessing alien technology/evil aliens kicking ass story. Been there done that. Once the Aliens come out the gameplay picks up and I found the action intense. Sadly this is the last hour or two of the game with an ending that leaves much to be desired (I was literally laughing at the last boss).
All in all the game is fun, a graphical whore but fun. Don't expect revolutionary gameplay or action, or even a decent story. Just Grab a box of kleenex and watch the beautiful visuals dance across the screen of your overheating computer.

Team Fortress 2

Now I know all you readers out there missed my brilliant quips for the past month or so and have been beating yourselves with a sack of marbles wondering where I've been. We'll to put it straight I've been hibernating amongst schoolwork and video games, but enough about me; lets talk Team Fortress 2

Being the sequel the original Team Fortress, TF2 (T for Team,F for Fortress and 2 for the IQ of people who ask what TF2 means later on) picks where the last one left off; killing other players as a variety of classes which give you some sense of individuality. You have your spy, heavy weapons man, soldier and annoying scout; all of which have their weaknesses and strengths. No horse dung.

Moving on the Game is a fresh breath into the pre-teen Ritalin consuming genre where clicking as fast as you can = pwnage (sorry for sounding like a twit, it was only for effect). The game forces you to know you're class and how to use them effectively. And that's about it really.

I'm serious, it's not the gigantic leap in multiplayer gaming you all thought you were getting into when you proceeded to let Steam sodomize you with another piece of Half Life 2 spin. The maps become more lame than Samuel Jackson in "Invincible" after several hours of play and there are still those annoying twats who find glee in drive nails through your ears into your lungs.


But aside from the shortcomings I still love the game and would greatly enjoy to be the only person on the planet who thinks its merely 'meh; but I simply cannot. Granted the game isn't the multiplayer game I was looking for but it is a gigantic flamethrower to fire leap until compare to Counter Strike and all the other FPS rip offs that have a gimmick. TF2 doesn't have a gimmick. The class system really does matter and truly puts the Team in TF2 (vomit). Letting the tard who cleans the dishes in a school dining hall pick your class is a poor decision because you actually have to put some thought. Provided you aren't the pubescent hyperactive child who thinks Halo is better than a steak and a blow job and have made it all the way through to the end of this rant, or said tard who cleans dishes.

So in two seconds of closure because formal conclusions are for Philosophers and Historians, buy TF2 please and learn to like your teammates

Best Game You Never Played - Penumbra: Overture Episode 1

Adventure gaming is struggling desperately to grab the attention of the modern video game market after a supreme command in the 80s and 90s. Thankfully, developers are inventing new ways of interpreting an adventure game from its point and click roots. One of those innovations is Penumbra. Starting out as a tech demo from yet unknown Swedish developer Frictional Games, Penumbra adds a fully 3D environment as well as a chilling horror setting to really bring something new to the table.

With game play innovations like using real time physics to slowly open doors and drawers with mouse movements, to AI enemies actually thinking of how to reach you in seemingly “safe” places, Penumbra offers an experience that draws you in and scares the hell out of you at the same time.

Like with any game that tries to be unique, some would be quick to point out flaws that are really only misunderstandings. Like how your character is too helpless against the environment, making even attacking an enemy with a pick-axe very frustrating, but this was purposefully done to make you use your head and the environment to progress through the game, and tries to teach you that hiding is sometimes a better option than fighting, just like if Penumbra’s situation actually happened.

Overall this game is a bit on the short side, but at $20 retail, with an eerie horror setting, a sense of helplessness, interesting and innovative puzzles, a good use of physics, and decent graphics, all from just a handful of developers, Penumbra is a game that should be experienced by anyone willing to play something a bit different. Bring on the next two episodes!

To learn more, visit the official site at www.penumbra-overture.com

Crysis Hands on Preview- Not so Great

The Guys over at Bi-Tech.net got their hands on Crysis for a preview and they were left underwhelmed. Plagued by poor AI and a lack of balance the game feels odd; hopefully these problems will be fixed before its November 16th release, read on

Bioshock- Get Steampunked next Monday

Steampunk has been all the rage lately, but none pull it off quite like Bioshock. Bioshock features lush visuals, unique environments, oh yea and something about revolutionary gameplay.

Taking place during the 1960's you assume the role of Jack, a man who recently survived a plane crash in the middle of the ocean. Finding a lighthouse (in the middle of the ocean), Jack takes a sub to an underwater city in hopes of salvation. HAH salvation never works, we all know that.

Arriving in the underwater city known as Rapture, Jack is met by its humble citizens who have incredible mental and physical powers. The story behind Rapture involves Sea Slugs that secrete stem cells (that's a mouthful) called ADAM. Long story short the stem cells enhance people's abilities, causes a war and now everyone has gone flipping nuts.

What sets Bioshock apart from say Pac Man, is that it allows you to kick ass your way. The steampunked weapons look cool and all, but Bioshock's awesome factor goes through the roof with the ability to customize your character using Plasmids bought spending ADAM.


My Roommate: "Wasn't this done is Deus Ex kinda??"
Me: "No"
Roommate: "No it definately was, I played it last semester"
Me: (breaks chair over roommates back)

You can spend your ADAM to upgrade one of four types of abilities; Weaponry, Engineering, Active, and Physical. Abilities range from shooting fire, telekinesis, electricity, camouflage, and loads more. Along with these abilities you can also modify your weapons to hold more ammo and different types of rounds.

Here's a full list of System Requirements for Bioshock

1 Xbox 360 or Playstation 3

or

Minimum requirements

• Processor: 1.33 GHz CPU
• Memory: 1 GB of SDRAM
• Graphics: GeForce 7xxx or Radeon X1xxx

Recommended requirements

• Processor: 2.66 GHz CPU
• Memory: 2 GB of SDRAM
• Graphics: GeForce 8800 series or Radeon X1950 series

Mac Requirements

• No way
• Leave
• You still reading
• Shoo!
• Stick Head in Bucket and pray for a port
  

The game is due out for PC August 21st, 2007 (next week!) and is expected to sell faster than even "special" hot-cakes. The game will also appear on Xbox 360 or PS3.

The New Renaissance- A Game for All Ages

It's been awhile since I first sat down and squealed with glee when Little Big Planet was debuted to the public for the PS3 and I have some thoughts. The title reflects what I feel is a New Era of video games that we should all can be excited about.


For those of you who don't know what Little Big Planet is and for the other smaller half who's been living under rocks; Little Big Planet is a game developed by Media Molecule in which the object of the game is to build, play and share simple levels where the only object is to reach the end. The game features a robust creator in which players can create levels seemingly straight out of a children's books and then share and play over the internet or in the comfort of their own home.

Simple fun gameplay is Little Big Planets motif and quite frankly I'm glad. Not for Little Big Planets sake (Yes, I'll buy a PS3 just for LBP) but for the game industry at large. Video game developers have been throwing flashy, hardware intensive games at us and we the market have been eating up. While ingenuity is often praised, there was for a long time only ho-hum sequels to franchises and renditions of older styles. We as video gamers began to finesse over the subtle differences between games that had one time gimmicks or fancy visuals when really the same ideas have been around for at least 5-10 years.

But over the past 3 years or so a new crop of games have arisen that put the focus back on simple gameplay and not on graphics. These games have always been there, but from I can remember they first became readily available around 2001 when ICO was released. It was the first time in awhile when you had to just save the princess; that was it. The game received good reviews commending its easy to use design and focus on action and not glamor.

Over the following years more games would be released that put the focus back on new and simple ideas; where leveling up or customizing weapons wasn't the focal point. Games like Katamari Damacy, Shadow of the Colossus, and Lumines later followed and although they weren't Halo-ish blockbusters; they both earned a respectable amount of sales and awards.

Of course the culmination of this trend came with the Launch of the Nintendo Wii which was so successful I feel because it brought games that anyone could play with small learning curve. Sure it has graphics that pale in comparison to others, but the people have spoken and beauty truly is on the inside (and on the wii-mote).

The new renaissance is starting to makes it way to the PC market as well. So called snobby PC gamers have been enjoying the old classics such as Myst, but also applauding new ones like Penumbra.

I for one am happy to see this once neglected market starting to thrive again alongside the hardcore gamers of the world. I do enjoy extremely technical games like Supreme Commander, but rolling my Katamari into cats and people brings a child-like smile (not the durrrrrr durr type smile) to my face and gives me a chance to just relax while playing a game. I expect to see games being developed and released by lesser known developers with smaller budgets become more and more popular.

To sum it all up I feel that the video game industry is redefining itself. Often viewed as a nerdy hobby; its now cool to play video games. "Normal" host parties just drink and play the Wii. People now can choose from games for all types from many different backgrounds without being ridiculed (or shoved into lockers....*sniff*). And these games are now fun for everyone! I don't care what you think some people just won't understand what's exciting about World of Warcraft. And all of this is because video game developers are being creative in the simplest of ways. I guess much like children, video games are starting to embrace the simple pleasures in life and now give everyone a chance to be friends and just play.